Uncontrollable emotions

February 16, 2009 purchasemymind3

When we were babies, life was so simple. We were fed, bathed, changed, and when we wanted something, we’d cry. That’s all we understood. We understood that in order to get something, all we would have to do is cry and someone would know what was wrong and fix it. Unfortunately, life doesn’t stay that way. Now we are experiencing all these new emotions, some good, some sad, and some utterly uncontrollable.

I was hanging out with some old friends from high school over the weekend. With college and my boyfriend, it is hard to find time to spend qualilty time with them. We all went to the Rubin Museum, drank some wine, ate some good finger foods and checked out the wonderful Himalayan art. By the end of the night, we headed back to Hannah’s house for an old time’s sake “sleep-over.”

It was during the sleepover, that I realized how close they all had gotten and how much space I felt between us. I knew that it wasn’t intentional but some references to past stories and inside jokes were no longer my familiarity. I started to feel strange jealousy and sadness but didn’t quite know how or if I’d mention it. I decided not to.

Later on in the night, they started talking about possibly moving in together and how wonderful it would be. They didn’t even look my way once throughout the conversation and I felt like I was reliving a moment from middle school when my two best friends had a “play-date” without me.

I kept trying to NOT feel how I felt but I guess I couldn’t control it because I started to speak on it and sounded angrier then I actually was. I couldn’t portray my jealousy to them because I felt this strange sense of pride so what I meant to say came out nasty and regretful. I strangely started defending myself unnecessarily and pointing out all the stuff I’ve done while they’ve patched up their close-friendship and I totally feel like a complete idiot.

I’m supposed to be a mature adult in college and here I am throwing a fit at my two best friends acting as if I was in 5th grade and not being able to have what I want.

I realized that some feelings are very hard to control, and no matter what age you are, some things just never change. Of course there are so many different parts of the story I left out but in the end, I learned that learning to deal with an uncontrollable emotion is one of life’s hardest challenges. Maybe I should do more Yoga or something.

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One Comment Add your own

  • 1. thisismediaclash  |  February 18, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    This is a very good & honest approach…it’s not healthy to bottle up feelings… you have to remain positive and look for the oppurtunity in each challenge …because it only gets more intense as you get older


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